I AM a happily married woman of 35. My husband and I have three beautiful daughters
and great careers. Our sex life is fulfilling but not too great. We both know that we
didn’t fall in love with one another purely out of physical attraction. Ours was a rational
and calculated love, which eventually led to us planning a life together. The complication: About six months ago, I reconnected with a man I have a history with. He and I had an amazing and passionate affair years ago. But at the time, we were both dating
the attraction is still as strong. He is also now married. We see each other several times a
week, have truly explosive sex, and go home feeling like we are 25 years old again. Neither one of us plans to leave our respective partners, but our love goes beyond time and space. Our love exists in spite of earthly circumstances. We both really respect each other’s marriages and keep boundaries. We never call each other or send text messages during family times. We don’t want to destroy what the other has. Are we fooling ourselves,
thinking that this affair will last forever? Are we so wrong
to be doing this?
Linda Yende responds:
FIRSTLY, I need to tell you that this is a very unusual situation for me to advise
on. Most women who are unfaithful are in unhappy marriages. Ordinarily, my question
would be: what are you hoping for? But I will ask a different question: Is this affair worth the risk? From the sound of things, you are hoping for things to stay exactly the same as they have been for the past six months. You want to continue playing happy family at
home and playing lovers with your old flame at every opportunity you get. But at what cost? Have you considered the fact that this would destroy both your families, if it ever
From what you are saying, neither one of you wants to leave their respective spouses for each other. And neither one of you loves your respective spouses any less. So, really, the situation here is that you want me to tell you how wrong what you are doing is. But there is nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know. All I can say is that you are playing a
very dangerous game that will hurt other people in the process. A marriage is not just about individuals, it’s about two families coming together. You two risk causing pain to four families here. The risks you are taking might be exciting but at what cost?
All that I am saying to you is this is a potentially explosive situation that you are better off taking yourself out of, immediately. It will be hard to ignore your feelings and end the affair but it needs to be done. This is the one time where you need to put your needs and feelings aside and sacrifice your personal gratification for the greater good. You see, whichever way you look at it, you will all end up getting hurt and, as I mentioned, hurting so many other people in the process. If you had any illusions about this relationship of yours, I would have very different advice.
NOT WORTH THE RISK INVOLVED
Clearly, you see no end in sight. You know where you stand and exactly what is at stake, should this come out. My guess is that you are under the illusion that nothing will ever go wrong, here. That is a very false sense of security. So much can go wrong, and probably will, when you least expect it. I realise that what I am doing right now is like telling a person who loves sky diving or riding a motorbike really fast to stop doing so, because
it is dangerous. As much as their fun activity might be one that could potentially take
their lives and hurt their entire family, the thrill and excitement of their activity outweighs their fear of things going wrong. The person will hear me but they are too hooked on the thrill and feel that they are taking a calculated risk each time. I am almost certain that you are in exactly the same situation. Judging from your letter to me, I can tell that you are not asking for advice on how to stop at all. You are just speaking out because you want to
unburden your soul and hear someone telling you what you already know. Be very careful about what you are doing as this may come back to bite you. You are also a mother,
so you should also think about your children. In response to your questions: Yes, you are fooling yourselves. The love can last forever, but the relationship cannot. It is possible to love each other from a distance and spare other people the heartache of finding out
about your affair. You had what you had all those years ago. Be glad for the memories you shared and move on with your lives.